Embracing Your Worst Fear: Better Left to Bruce Wayne

In Review: Zombies
Rating: Freaking terrifying, are you kidding me?

Alternatively: TV shows
Rating: I need to get out more.

Alternatively: Immersion therapy
Rating: Fail

I am terrified of zombies. Despite the wealth of acceptable phobias I could have, this is what I have subconsciously chosen as my greatest fear. This may have something to do with forcing myself to watch the first five episodes of The Walking Dead as a sort of Batman-like immersion therapy. Except it didn't turn me into a superhero that dresses like a zombie in order to fight crime. I'm just super at being scared of zombies.

Here are a few reasons why you should be afraid of zombies, too.

1. They can contaminate you easily. This is the most important one. Because let's face it. Zombies are pathetic. They are slow and stupid and predictable, and I could definitely put down dozens of them before they finally got me, and that's only if I'm in an area with high population density. But all they need to do to win is bite me or get some of their nasty bodily fluids to mix with my pristine ones, and bam. I'm a zombie.
2. They have neither boundaries nor a healthy respect for stuff that will end their creepy existences. Like entering someone's property up in the boonies where we live, which can get you shot. But do zombies care? No. If you pump a shotgun right in front of a zombie's face, does it put up its hands and say, "Whoa, man. Take it easy. This is all just a misunderstanding," and back away slowly? No! It just keeps on shuffling at you, making weird raspy noises with its entrail-coated throat, and you can pump that shotgun all you want, but you better know how to fire it, too.
3. You're probably thinking this is dumb because zombies don't exist, right? But they never exist in zombie movies until the world is crawling with them. It's not like there is a zombie or two and people just go, "Eh, not my problem. Let's ignore that, and I doubt it'll be relevant to the plot of this film later."

I want to think zombies are cool like my hip friends. I want to enjoy The Walking Dead and Romero flicks (I did live in Pittsburgh for four years, after all). I wanted to do the "Run For Your Lives" 5K Obstacle Course in Boston last year, but a more critical review of my mental status revealed that I would be far too likely to bludgeon one of the actors and end up in jail. So me and zombies? Not gonna happen.

I'm so far from that, in fact, that when Oliver starts barking at night, I start panicking and lock the doors. Which seems to be upsetting to Oliver, who is barking because he has to pee. When I'm stuck at a red light in a highly populated area (like Boston) and I get to thinking, I realize that if everybody abruptly turned into a zombie except for me, I'd be completely trapped. I spend the rest of that light cycle thinking how I could get around the guy in front of me, and doesn't he understand that he needs to run that red light before we all get eaten?!

Sometimes, when I go into my office to work and I'm walking downtown to get lunch and one of the impossibly old people that lives there is walking my way (for some reason the place is half students and half ancient alumni), I just turn around and run to safety. Other times, though, if I'm really hungry and I don't want to go all the way back to my office empty-handed, I try the approach of trying to blend in with them. I think I do a pretty good job, because they only glance at me briefly as I drag my leg behind me and rattle my throat.

Stop. Am I mostly kidding here? Uh... sure, let's say I am. But the point is, you can never be too careful. Or maybe the point is just that I should stick with sitcoms unless I want to turn into a bomb-shelter-stocking, CB-radio-hoarding, end-of-days crazy person (or end up making a similar post tomorrow about my fear of statues because they could be quantum-locked time-energy-consuming aliens -- thanks, Doctor Who).

This post brought to you by a lifelong fear of the dark, a couple nights of sleeping alone, and of course, zombies.